Ben and Camille

Ben,

I've been going through my old journals since I've just finished my most recent one and I've found I've written a lot about you. I think the first time I wrote about you was August 25th, the day of my first class ever in college. I wrote that I was so excited for my first college class that I arrived at the classroom half an hour early. The door was shut and locked and I didn't know what to do, so I just sat on the ground next to the door with my backpack in my lap. I played on my cellphone for a bit, then when I looked up I noticed a guy staring at me from the classroom across from where I was sitting. It was a science classroom, and he was sitting up on one of those tall stools they have to reach the lab tables. He had a frowning mouth but blank eyes. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I went back to my phone. Then the teacher arrived and we sat in awkward silence for twenty minutes until the rest of the class showed up.

There are a few more instances where I mention the staring boy again but he's no longer staring at me. He's in the freshman dining hall eating a hot dog and scrolling on his phone or waiting outside of the bathroom. I don't think he ever noticed me.

Well after speaking to you I now know that you did notice me. In fact, you didn't even like that hotdog, you just kept eating it because you noticed me in the room and didn't want to look weird sitting in a dining hall not eating anything.

Then there was the banana accident, where I learned your name was Ben and I thought it didn't suit you very well. You asked what name would suit you better but I couldn't think of anything else so I said "Duckman" and you didn't laugh. I laughed a little, why would I say that? Duckman? That's not a name, that's a superhero my little brother created when he was six.

Then I wrote that I walked away and promised to never speak to you ever again. We didn't have any classes together so it wasn't that hard. We only really saw each other across the hall in our separate science classes. And you never really seemed to notice me or tried to catch my attention so I assumed that that was that.

Anyway, I didn't really write about you until months later, like November right before break when a friend of a friend told me Ben wished I'd talk to him more. I wasn't sure what that meant, mainly because I'd met like three more Bens and so I wasn't sure which one he was talking about. And I realized I didn't know your last name so we—------------------- had to do a weird guess who exercise where I had to describe you as not really that handsome but has a jawline and glasses and he said yup that's the one.

I wasn't sure how to respond to this. I didn't have your phone number or anything and I really didn't know this guy well so I couldn't tell if he was just messing with me or if you had told him to tell me that. So I didn't say anything.

The next time we had class next to each other I watched the door until I saw you exit the room to get a drink or something and I slipped out of my class to follow you. You didn't notice me, and I wasn't sure how to present myself so I just watched you from a distance.

I ended up just going back to my classroom and embarrassing myself because I had missed the instructions due to stalking you.

I always meant to talk to you again but I guess I just never got around to it. I know that sounds silly since we've both graduated now and this was in freshman year so I still had basically all of college. But like I said, I never got around to it.

I wanted to say sorry for calling you not really that handsome that one time and for following you around the science building. I guess I just wanted to say hi.

- Camille